The Talk
by nakanaka
Summary: Oneshot, strongly implied Yoko/Kamina. Kamina explains the birds and the bees to Simon, but his information may not be, uh, exactly accurate. M for sexual themes to be safe.


**Author's Note**: My prompt for this was V for Violent Sperm. Yeah. I went to town.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gurren Lagann and I got the "bullet" idea from Community. 3 Chevy Chase

* * *

"The vagina," announced Kamina, tapping a stick against his rather crude drawing in the dirt, "is the ultimate goal of all men. Of all _manly_ men."

Simon leaned forward, his face screwed up in an expression of intense concentration that he usually saved for Lagann fights. No matter how he looked at it, he could not see a woman anywhere in Kamina's drawing.

"What is that?" he asked.

Kamina grinned. "In there is the holiest of holy places, the Garden of Eden, the gates of heaven, they say—the limits of the universe."

Simon's eyes widened in awe. Was a girl's body really capable of containing such wonders? He looked again at the dirt, where a head (were those spikes coming out of it?!) balanced on top of two enormous circles; further south were possibly legs, and then a bunch of squiggles, and then… heaven.

"Aniki, what do you… do with the vagina?"

"You take your drill," Kamina grasped his stick and plunged it into the dirt where the squiggly lines met. "Like that."

Simon nodded slowly as if he followed, but in reality this raised a thousand more questions. Mostly about the, uh, practical mechanics of this action.

"It looks difficult, I know," Kamina reassured him, clapping a hand on his shoulder, "but trust me, this is how it's done. The women even _like_ it."

"They do? It looks like… being stabbed… it doesn't hurt?"

Kamina shrugged and sat back. Maybe pain was relative to a man with blue tattoos all over his body.

"I heard," Simon continued tentatively, "that that's… that's where babies come from. Is that true?"

The 17-year-old nodded wisely. "Sometimes, yeah. If you're not careful, instead of heaven, you get a mini-me. And that ruins the vagina forever."

Simon looked properly shocked. "For_ever_?!"

"Forever! It's like, uh, like drilling into rocks, you know, you can't unmake that tunnel. It's ruined. That's why it's called 'knocked-up.'"

"Oh." Simon imagined drilling a rock tunnel, breaking through the surface into the sunlight, and suddenly getting pummeled by a shower of tiny baby versions of himself. The thought was horrific.

"Is there any way you can get to heaven without the babies?" he hoped.

"Only one." Kamina picked up the stick and slid over for fresh dirt to draw in. He scratched out a circle, then a smaller circle with a tail. "OK, so this is the egg, like a chicken egg or a… do Beastmen lay eggs?"

"Maybe the bird ones do."

"What kind of Beastman is Viral? Poor bastard was probably born from an egg, that's why he's so cranky. Anyway!" He tapped the small tadpole-looking one. "This is the sperm, and this one comes from your drill."

"It does?"

"When you—" Kamina motioned.

"Ohhh, right."

"If you're lucky, when you get to the vagina, the sperm shoots right through the egg like a bullet." He dragged the stick in a violent swatch across the dirt. "No babies."

"I'm sorry, WHAT?!" Yoko's voice sliced through their conversation like a sperm through an egg. "What the hell are you teaching that poor boy? Do you have any idea what you're talking about?"

Kamina swore vividly and kicked dirt over the brutalized egg before Yoko yanked the stick out of his hand and hit him over the head with it.

"What did you just erase? What is THAT?! Are those breasts? What the hell is under that—that thing?"

"I'm teaching Simon how to be a _man_, so excuse me if I'm not an artist," snapped Kamina. "He needs to know these things!"

"WHAT things?! NONE of what you just said was true! What is that a picture of anyway?!" She bent over to have a closer look, drawing Simon's eyes from the boobs on the ground to the ones next to him. "Is that her— Does she have a ponytail— Is that ME?!"

Suddenly the lines from the top of the drawing's head made sense.

"Kamina, you ASSHOLE, you're teaching Simon completely WRONG and DISGUSTING things with a drawing of ME I'm going to KILL you—"

But Kamina had bolted, Yoko stopping only to grab ammunition before tearing after him. Simon studied the remains of the picture in the dirt, pondering his unanswered questions, waiting for them to come back (whether Kamina would be dead or alive, he didn't know).

They didn't come back until after night had fallen, and Yoko didn't seem to be angry anymore.


End file.
